I remember clinging to the dream I had of having an “intact” family. Even after dealing with broken doors, violence, infidelity, verbal abuse, lies, and financial insecurity, I clung to the dream of what I wanted our marriage to be.
I thought if I prayed enough, was understanding enough, was patient enough, then he would see my value and change. I was so focused on changing his behavior, that I was not valuing myself. I was tolerating unacceptable behavior in the hopes that he would see the error of his ways. I was not serving him, or myself.
First, by continuing to tolerate the behavior I was essentially telling him (through my actions) that it was ok to treat me that way. Secondly, he knew the way he was behaving was unacceptable, and was carrying around shame and self-hatred. My accepting it was, in a way, perpetuating his own sense of guilt, shame, and self-hatred. In other words, my thought that I was giving him “second chances” was not serving myself, nor him.
It took a lot for me to be willing to surrender that relationship. I knew I deserved better, but I wanted THAT relationship. I remember the day I knew it was over for good. I remember the freedom I felt. I remember feeling like I was able to breathe again. It required me being willing to release that old dream, knowing that I was stepping into a new dream. I had hope for something better. I believed I could create the life I longed for… and what is more important, the feeling I wished to embody in every moment.
Then the real work began. The work of discovering who I was. The work of developing my own strength, and growing up in a multitude of ways. I began to see that my emotions were about me. I began to see that I was carrying around fears and behaviors even before our relationship that made me susceptible to such an unhealthy relationship.
I read books, took courses, retreats, shared with other women, and began thinking and acting differently. I began gathering my tools and using them. Slowly, I built a home within myself that was grounded in self-love, acceptance, joy, and adventure.
Today, I am still growing. I will be forever. Today, I guide other women into freedom, strength, and empowerment. If you are tired of sitting in a feeling of brokenness, and are willing to harness that phoenix fire to rise into your dreams for a better future, then private message me, and we can set up a time to talk. You deserve all that you hope for, and more. Sacred Wild Blessings, Suzy Hawkfire (Suzette Winona Summers)
